i want a werewolf boyfriend and i want him now

everything is certain except for love.

i want a werewolf boyfriend and i want him now. because while i might have to deal with him slobbering all over my neck and dead rabbits on my doorstep and a weird obsession with how i smell, and growling and wanting to stick his head out of the car window while we drive, at least he’ll be loyal. at least he’ll be honest and at least, he won’t create a snapchat account to meet up with a girl and proclaim our relationship fake while we’re married and i’m FOUR MONTHS PREGNANT.

i don’t want to be another girl on the internet yapping about how men are scum because we all already know that men are scum but also not all men and they all cheat and they can’t help it but it’s so fucking unfair i could die. everything feels certain except for love. no… everything is certain except for love. i know that if i tried hard enough and did all the things i needed to do, i’d succeed. i know that if i did the work, i’d eventually come to love myself the way i want to. i know i will find my purpose and fulfill it. i know i will make the money i need to help people.

everything else is certain except for fucking love.

because once i get it all and i’ve vacationed with my family and friends and family again, i’ll be left all alone. the picture is not complete without some man beside me. and that that will be my undoing, won’t it?

every man i know is capable of being a monster. every man i know has personally been a monster. i think women can be monsters too, but never in the same way. because while Landon was buying Liz stuff and writing a literal book about how much he loves her, he was also creating a fucking snapchat account to text a girl. i mean, thank fuck that the girl landon texted was a girl’s girl and blew the whistle.

REVENGE OF THE NERDS

yes, now it’s clear that the nerds can be entitled little weasels but we didn’t always know that. we thought they were free of toxic masculinity. we thought they were special, worthy. but maybe they’re just weak and since they didn’t have the guts to be the guy they wanted to be, they become the guy you want them to be.

because imagine if a nerd was as arrogant as a typical jock-alpha-male-finance-bro was, he wouldn’t get any girls now, would he?

now we know. but i’ve seen videos after video of spiritual gurus dissecting how to know if he really loves you, and lessons to learn from liz and landon’s breakup, but as far as i’m concerned, the only thing that we can learn is this: being healed doesn’t protect you from terrible people, it only means you’ll be able to pick yourself back up when they wreck their havoc.

also, the one thing that women need, truly need, is genuine, raw love from men. everything else is secondary, everything else we can give to ourselves. did you really think she couldn’t buy herself a 100k engagement ring or a fucking birkin? a man can give you the world, but if he’s not going to give you himself, then what’s the fucking point?

but here’s the thing, men are not conditioned to love or to put anyone’s feelings or thoughts before their own. they only care about what other men think. no doubt that while landon blew smoke up the internet’s ass about how he’s so healed and grateful and whatnot, he didn’t care about the comments from regular-degular people. no. but now, he’ll finally get what he wanted, the respect from the jock-bullies-fuckboys in school that wouldn’t let him sit with them at lunch. because while he’s sorry for cheating on his pregnant wife, at least he showed them that he’s a real man. he finally has something to talk about in the locker room. hey look, i’m the guy that pulled a fast one on the wizard fucking liz. everyone clap, please.

i am a romantic at heart, always have and always will be. and i will not let this crude realization ruin me and turn me hard. no, i have only learned that there’s only one person whose love you can count on… and that’s you. there’s no rush to get to your highest self because there’s no prince charming waiting at the finish line. there’s only you, holding your own hands, because no one will ever love you as much as you do. as always, it’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey.

it's so sick to think that a part of you has to die to be in a relationship. you must never trust a man and accept that you must never trust a man and still let him access you and come into your home even though he’s a backstabbing little freak and you don’t trust him. i mean, what the fuck? no.

so yes, the only boyfriend i’ll be accepting right now is of the werewolf species. and i will be taking vacations with my family and friends and then my family again and my friends as the cycle will probably go on and on and on for fucking forever. no wonder rih never married asap, god, i am skeptical of every single relationship now. i will be sticking to my werewolf romance, thank you very much.

also, a little message to liz: i wish you the absolute best and more joy, love and happiness that that weasel could ever hope to give you. you’re such a special woman and so wonderful and you’ve taught me so much.

i love you, muah.